Splotches of dark crimson stain the blue walls of the bathroom stall, new dents strikingly obvious. Blood drips down from Asuka’s knuckles onto the tile floor, and she hisses softly in pain as the torn skin continues to sting like a bitch.
The sight causes her racing heart to jackhammer even faster, and once again, her fists are flying, absolutely pounding into the metal as if every punch will get rid of some of the stupid, f*cked-up sh*t in her brain. As if, with every single punch, she’s beating the weakness out of herself just a little more.
Somewhere deep down, she knows she should stop. Should take a deep breath, kneel down and get her blood off the floor, off of the metal walls. Should stop hissing and screaming and maybe pretend that the dents were already there when she came in.
If someone sees or hears her here, she has a snowball’s chance in hell of leaving with her employment still intact.
But her heart is thudding in her ears and adrenaline is pumping through her veins. Both are so much louder, feel so much better than the sounds of car alarms or people calling her name or the clutch of terror gripping at her chest when someone disappears right in front of her.
So her fists swing a few more times, colliding with the cold metal, stinging as they smatter more blood across the walls.
Good.
Anything to prove to herself that she’s real.
She can’t believe that she’s in such a state because a goddamned potato blinked at her. She f*cking refuses to believe it.
Scheiße, she’s losing it. Actually losing it.
Just like her mom was before—
She shakes her head, refusing to finish that thought. Instead, she pulls out her phone. She doesn’t know if it’s been minutes or hours since she got in here, but if it’s been too long, she may as well just say she’s sick and clock out.
The time feels much less important when she sees texts from Rei filling up her screen, asking what the situation is, nearly as close to pleading with her as it is possible for her girlfriend to plead.
Asuka doesn’t remember even sending anything remotely alarming.
Dread beginning to fill her chest, heart sinking into her stomach, she opens up their message history.
The last thing she sent was a paragraph of jumbled, angry, panicked words that she can barely comprehend. Most of them don’t even make sense, running together in a blend of absolute gibberish. The more her eyes scan over them, the more she thinks she can remember sending something like that right before she began slamming her fists into the metal, but she could’ve sworn that was just a thought. A potential idea in her head, not an actual plan that had somehow come into fruition while she was completely unaware of it.
When Rei’s text bubble appears again, Asuka quickly sends back a three-word reply: I’m okay. Sorry.
She quickly shoves her phone back into her pocket before her girlfriend can reply, a surge of unrecognizable emotions beginning to course through her.
Asuka grits her teeth, the pit in her stomach growing larger and larger as she realizes the depth of the impending conversation that will absolutely be happening when she gets home. As much as she trusts Rei, as much as Rei has trusted her with difficult topics, it never gets any easier.
What the hell is she even supposed to say, anyway? How does she begin even attempting to dig into the jumbled-up mess that serves as a pathetic excuse for her thoughts and emotions? Does she come out and f*cking say it, that she’s getting closer and closer to losing it? That she could off herself any day, follow in her mom’s footsteps, so just have Rei be prepared? That she’s so f*cking stupid because the signs have been there for months, and she’s just been too stupid or too f*cking hard-headed to care, and now it’s biting her in the ass?
f*cking dummkopf.
Rei’s small text bubble appears and disappears again. She holds her breath as those small gray dots become the center of her universe, taunting her tremendously as they pull the vanishing act over and over again.
Finally, a singular sentence forms. Please be safe, I am on my way.
She’s kidding, right? She’s been studying nonstop for the past two weeks for a huge exam today, and she even left half an hour earlier than usual to be sure that she was on time and fully prepared.
And of course, Asuka’s f*cked that up for her.
Sometimes, she has to wonder if she f*cks everything up for Rei. With the way her life is going, she wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
Constantly overshadowing Rei’s life with her own stupid sh*t.
Asuka’s fingers fly over the screen, hands shaking so hard that it’s a miracle her phone doesn’t end up in the toilet. It’s okay. Need to get back to work.
Before those agonizing bubbles can rise to the surface again, she pockets her phone and sends her fist flying into the metal stall door one last time, extra hard for good measure. The sting in her knuckles is intense enough that she feels tears pricking the backs of her eyes.
Good.
It’s what she deserves, after all.
She exits the stall mindlessly, turns the nearest faucet on, does her best to wash the red streams of fury away, and slides her gloves back on.
She scowls at the dead, bloodied, rotting top half of the man in the corner as she makes her way out of the bathroom.
~ ~ ~ ~
The shift isn’t getting any better.
She can feel the air shifting around her, every customer’s gaze constantly following her up to the moment she glances at them. They’re all whispering, she can hear them, can see the gory masses of flesh in her peripheral vision, can still feel the squish of the eyeball as she held the vegetable in her hand, the fluids and the blood—
The room is spinning as she grips her cart tightly, gritting her teeth once more. She will not make a fool of herself in front of them. Her heart races, and she decides that it’s from sheer determination alone.
She’s Asuka Langley Soryu, goddamnit.
She will not falter.
She will not fail.
On and on, she pushes.
Keep it together, keep it togetherkeepittogetherkeepittogetherKEEPITTOGETHER—
“Asuka?” questions her girlfriend’s quiet voice, and she laughs humorlessly, shaking her head.
Her brain is much too cruel sometimes, even for her.
”Asuka.”
It’s the urgency that causes her to turn and see Rei looking up at her with an expression she can’t quite read, eyebrows knit together as the firm line of her mouth twitches softly. Asuka’s heart flutters and sinks in her chest at the same time.
Is it seven already? How much time has she lost?
More importantly, why is Rei here?
“Clock out. I spoke with your manager and explained you are not feeling well. I will stay right here, and then we can go.” There’s a strange addition to her voice, kind but forceful. Asuka knows, deep in her heart, that Rei will hear nothing other than an affirmative.
Finally, she nods, pushing her cart to its proper station before heading to the time clock. Both actions are performed completely on autopilot. She can barely stand, or think anything other than why?
She heads back through the store in the same daze, not even really startling at the sight of someone’s dismembered lower half.
There are no words spoken between them as Rei gently places a hand against the small of Asuka’s back, guiding her through the bustling store and into the cool evening air awaiting them outside.
She doesn’t mind following Rei’s lead. If it were any other time, she wouldn’t admit it, not even to herself. But she’s okay with letting her girlfriend take the reigns and simply trailing after her.
She would follow Rei to the ends of the earth if it meant keeping her, as much as the thought fills Asuka with pure terror.
But with the younger woman by her side, Asuka can breathe again.
The cool air is a relief, but not as much as feeling her girlfriend’s gentle caress of her cheek.
“Asuka. Are you alright?” Those deep red eyes are looking over her attentively, trying their best to find some way to comfort, or at the very least understand the situation at hand. They’re filled to the brim with concern, with love, and Asuka nearly breaks down right then and there.
Ever-so-slightly, she shakes her head.
Rei’s fingers begin to move against her in soft patterns, brushing across Asuka’s back as if she’s the most delicate thing the other girl has ever been allowed to touch. If it were anyone else, she would’ve socked them in the gut by now.
But sometimes, it’s okay for her girlfriend to touch her like this.
Sometimes Asuka wants her to.
“Let’s go home.”
In the morning, she’s sure they’ll talk about it. She’s sure there will be many words of anger and frustration (aimed at herself), many words of sorrow (aimed at Rei), and in the end, something will click together. Something will make sense, as it always does.
As they always do, against all odds.
But for now, cozied up in their pickup truck, with the heater on and Rei’s letterman jacket wrapped around her shoulders, she drinks in the quiet. She feels safe listening to Rei humming along with the rock station playing softly in the background, letting her take the time she needs to decompress before the explanation.
In this moment, her girlfriend’s free hand on her knee, squeezing gently, is the point that her whole world centers around.
And she breathes a sigh of relief, knowing that no matter what may or may not exist outside, Rei will never let her go.
